Had I known that was our last night together, I would’ve held my tongue and just held you. I would’ve kissed your eyelids and brushed your little bangs from your face. I would’ve listened to every thing you said, knowing I may never hear your voice again. I would’ve carried you home in whatever angry state, and I would have put you to bed and watched you sleep.
In the fading glory of our last morning I would’ve told you how you meant everything to me. How your brilliance, colors my days, how your smile feeds my soul. How, when our fingers intertwined it was the only time I ever felt truly whole. I would’ve told you about our children, that I someday hoped we’d have. And with their little hands and little faces they’d come running to their Momn’Dad. I would tell you about the big house, with the big dogs, and the big love. But you already knew our plans.
In two and a half minutes, I lost two and a half years and everything that lay ahead. I lost my partner, I lost my best friend. And I am sorry, to have hurt you. I am sorry to have broken something most precious to your heart. In that moment, I myself felt broken, and frustrated and lost. But never as much as I feel now.
And in your mind I may be hazy and slightly askew. Please remember:
I am a boy swimming in the bay, with one inner tube and one snorkel to share
I am a boy, on the long plane ride home, with his girl sleeping on his shoulder
I am a boy eating sandwiches on the beach and drinking champagne
I am a boy cooking breakfast for his sleeping love
I am a boy, learning ukelele with his girl along the ocean bluffs
I am a boy, your confidant, your analyst, your business builder
I am a boy, talking in a high pitched Chinese voice, “Yooouuu knoooowww theeee ooonnneee”
But most of all,
I am a boy sitting on the side of the road eating malasadas, waiting for his ride to take him home.
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