Things that Keep me up at Night (besides Netflix)

What if… I never settle down because I am constantly in search of “the one”?  This mystical un-catchable unicorn of a woman that’s always just on the horizon?  And “The One” was actually that girl five girls ago, but I passed on her because I kept thinking “The One” is still just around the bend?

Unicorn babe
(I would… but she’d probably wanna do horn stuff.)

What if… I’ve been with too many girls with nice bodies, and dated too many girls with nice personalities, that I am forever searching for some impossible cross-pollinated hybrid of the two?  Like hotness is the Y axis and not being a crazy bitch is the X axis, and what if what I’m looking for is some impossible plot point where X and Y will never meet?

What if… I’ve already spent too much time at the buffet of dating, that I can never go back to just being with one woman again?  Like I was a one woman guy for nine years, but I just feel so flaky now that I’m”dating”.  Every relationship has an escape hatch and a fire axe built in, just in case the whole thing goes up in flames.

On my rare days off, I’ve already got plans and backup plans lined up.  Sometimes I’m even texting girls the exact same message because I know someone is going to disappear or bail, and heaven forbid I spend and evening to myself in quiet contemplation.  Because Voldemort had the right idea, to never invest too much of yourself in any one place.  Because nobody is ever vulnerable at my age.  We’re all bristles and scars, and every inch of intimacy is conditional and met with so many safeguards.  Because hearts don’t get stolen anymore… they get usurped through wars of attrition.

I’m actually an advocate of arranged marriages.  Because, dating is hard, and dating is stupid. Like the old adage, “there are plenty of fish in the sea”; it is absolutely true.  What they fail to mention, is the vast majority of those fish are inedible, poisonous, predators, have daddy issues, or they live in some deep dark pressurized water that only Ed Harris can reach while breathing pink juice (haha I hope someone catches this reference)   Most of the fish in the sea, are not the fish you want.

Date FIsh
“Why can’t you just love me baaack…?”

So maybe it would be cool if everyone started out with one good fish that their parents picked out specifically for them.  I trust my parents.  Every girl I ever brought home that they weren’t 100% on, turned out to be a special form of messed up eventually.  Which in turn, messed me up exponentially.  Because my parents could see beyond the low cut bodices and mini-skirts; they could see long term and down the line.  And if I just listened to them, I’d have been just fine.  Because my parents were the ones making me eat broccoli instead of skittles, making me go to college instead of trying to tour with my band in a van on an Island. Haha yeah an Island.  They always had the right idea.

Mitsuko Suicide Girl
“..but Mooom!  I love her because of reasons.”
(and yes that is a Suicide Girl logo in the corner)

Maybe it would be better if people married based on family approval and social-economic comparability, rather than trying to blindly rush into the ocean with a scoop net and genitals swollen full of hormones hoping to find “the one” by dangling their bits and flailing aimlessly in the water.   Because that’s what it feels like I’m doing sometimes.  And the sand and salt is starting to chafe in the most uncomfortable of places.

And maybe people wouldn’t be so quick to discard their partners, knowing they only get one.

Lockboxes and hand picked fish.  It’s five am.   Writing books is hard.  I’m going to sleep.

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I am the favored Instrument of the Universe

I’ve been taking these long solitary hikes, and I’ve been evaluating my life.  And the more I think about it, the more I realize my life is awesome.

For every hardship I’ve ever endured I’ve always inadvertently stumbled into something better.  I find a job I love, I lose that job and I fall into an even better version of said job.  I lose a meaningful relationship, a veritable buffet of new ones opens up to me.  When The Universe closes a door, somewhere a wall falls down.  And there are like… a bunch of nazi-gold hidden in the asbestos.  Yeah that’s the metaphor I was going for.

I have an extraordinary and expansive support system of family and friends.  Part safety net, part fire blanket, I’ve always had the support to take risks and to rebound unscathed.  I was never tied down or smothered… there was always just enough give for me to experience the full gambit of things without breaking beyond repair.

I was born anatomically attractive, but never to the point where I could ever coast on my looks.  It was always a slight gust of wind to help push me through the door, and never the reason doors were opened for me in the first place.  And because of my so-so looks, I was forced to develop skills and talents.

Good things constantly happen to me.  But it took several readjustments of my aperture of life to see things that way.  I was never falling or failing.  There were only minor setbacks and meaningful triumphs.  The me I am today, is the best and strongest version I’ve ever been.  And tomorrow, I’ll be even better.  Imagine that.

And I realize, the deck is perpetually stacked in my favor.  It is impossible for me to fail or fall– for very long or very far.  So I look at my success as a writer as a bygone conclusion, and all that’s left is figuring out how long or how round about the course is to get there.  Do I want to be a millionaire while my parents are still able to enjoy it with me?  Or do I want to be old and drooping by the time I’m reaping the benefits of my work?

All that’s left is to put in the hours and the work.  There is no carrot or the stick anymore.  There is just the road.

*Also, my book is coming out in six weeks.*

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