Gay Thoughts

I have natural proclivities for homosexual tendencies; I like fashion to the point where I own more clothes than most girls I date.  I have a jewelry tree, ladened with accessories.  I own more rings than I have fingers and toes.  I wear a headband.   I like musicals, plural like I know the lyrics to most musicals and I can do both halves of the male-female duets.  I like Taylor Swift just a little too much.  My favorite bar is a gay bar.  I’m small and lithe, and was never particularly good at sports.  And the list goes on of stereotypes and archetypes for what a gay man is.

So I thought to myself, “What if I’m gay?”

I had a prostate exam a few years ago, and I realized there’s a reason so many men die from skipping this particular appointment.  Even if there was wine and dancing and good conversation, I can’t think of a scenario where I’d particularly enjoy something in me again.  So I thought maybe I could be a giver and not a receiver.  So I tried to imagine my potential gay lover.

He’d have to be smaller than me, because if he were bigger he’d probably bend me over.  At least I think that’s how these things work.  For some reason I imagine two gladiators circling round and round.  Like fresh caught crabs in a bucket opening and closing their one massive claw as they size each other up, circling, each unwilling to present their vulnerable back to the other.  Yeah that sounds about right.

Besides those hairy burly barrel chested guys never really struck me as attractive.  i’d want him thin, and smooth skinned.  Maybe with long silky black hair. I’d want him to have delicate high cheek bones, and a soft spoken voice, and big doey eyes.  I’d want his collar bones to protrude from the top of his blous… I mean shirt.   And I’d want him to smell of fresh cut flowers, and to taste like honey.  And then I’d bend him over and grab his supple breasts… and that’s where the imagination ends.  Because really, I want what I want. Hardwired into me, call it instinct or biology– I want a woman.

Because vaginas are a beautiful magical mystery to me.  They are the prize at the end of the pubescent marathon I’ve been running since I was fourteen.  They are soft and delicate, hidden under lace and denim.  Eager hands grasping upskirts, only exposed to me in the most intimate of moments.  But butts (haha), I have one of those.  And I know what happens with tacos and hot sauce or a binge night of beer drinking.  I know what it’s like to drop coils of soft-serve-disgusting into the porcelain bowl.  I know what it’s like to exclaim “Hey corn, I remember eating that!”

Butts, not for me.

Bump it with:

It’s Been a Year


 It’s been a year.

There wasn’t much of you left to bury, so I just carried around your bits’ and pieces until they fell out of my pockets’ over the journey of everything to come after. And it hasn’t been very long, but I’ve traveled further than I thought I’d ever want to go.

That smell on the side of the mountain that filled our windows on the drive home– they’re wild onions.  I found them while hiking with another girl.  I picked some and tried to cook them but they tasted terrible.  Then I googled them and turns out they might be poisonous.   I think you would’ve applauded the effort.

They put a restaurant on the wharf where you wanted to build your plaza.  Someone else’s dream went into that space; but I suppose we’re all impermanent in that way.  When I think about buildings or beaches and the number of people to have enjoyed them I begin to feel very small.

I don’t miss you.

But there are still moments that hurt’ unexpectedly sometimes.  Like that play with the actors speaking in English-Chinese that was such a disaster, and how we couldn’t stop laughing afterwards.  A friend of mine saw the same play too… and it came up in conversation and it made me think of you.  Only for a flickering moment, but it was enough to dim the lights on an otherwise sparkling night.  I hope you never think of me.

You always had this long line of monkey-bar-boys, a safe ‘next rung’ to be clung to when we fell loose, but me… lately I’ve been feeling like I was in free fall when you let go– and I’ve finally hit the bottom.  With every girl I kissed and every moment of loneliness somehow knocking down the deep well of You’ that obstructed my view of the future.  I have loose stones and cracked slate of all the big dreams I thought we were building, but as of late’ I’m seeing that the shuffle of rubble is the best foundation for something concrete.  Just add an outpouring of opportunity and someone new to fill in all the gaps.

If you could see me now, I think you’d be impressed.

…You, in that Orange Dress.

Bump it with:

Mirror Match (Part III) Broken Glass and Sturdy Roots

Mirror Match Part I: You Handsome Devil
Mirror Match Part II: A Crack in the Mirror

I sleep at home for the next few days.  Our conversations are thin and strained.  I’m sorting through my emotions trying to figure out how much did I drunkenly imagine, and how much is just my heart’s hyperbolic exaggeration.  I can’t trust my feelings until I talk to her, like really talk to her.  We make plans later on that night and that’s when I finally broach the subject:

“Did you and Cro-Magnon ever have a thing?”

“That would be silly.”  She replies, laughing anxiously.  That’s not an answer.

“Did you guys ever hook up?”

“Why would you think that?”  Answering a question with a question.

“Honestly?” I press her.  Did you fuck him?  

“No.” she gnaws on her lip nervously.

I pause.  The tell-tale signs are all there.  I already know the answer without having to ask again.  But it’s important that she tell me the truth.  One lie is the gunshot at the top of the mountain that sends an avalanche of everything else tumbling down, burying skiers and baby mountain goats under a thick, smothering blanket of “I call bullshit”. 

“Now is the time to be honest.  While we’re just getting started.  I mean, I like you and I don’t care.”

Clumsly.  Stupid.  Words.

I wince internally as I say it.  The worst feeling for a writer, delivering a product knowing the revisions would’ve been so much better.  When I really meant to say:

If you can tell me what this is, or what it was I can cope with it.  I can understand it.  I can deal with it.  I’m not judging you; we all have our history and our hang-ups. When you lie to me, my imagination runs wild.  And my imagination is a huge expansive space.  And you’re fucking him in there.  Like in a whole bunch of positions, all over your furniture, and my happiness.  Your honesty here determines our chance for anything months and years from now.  So tell me what we both already know, so I’m not fighting shadows.  

But that never came out.  And neither did the truth.   In the weeks to follow, I could see Him everywhere.  On her Facebook, on her phone, in her text messages, in everything she did and everywhere else.

Right now I am good-natured and stoic, able to weather these insecurities.  But these tangled roots run deep.  How much time with the shovel and weedkiller will it take to make Him go away?  What type of victory will it be with calloused palms and poisoned lungs?  I want to build a future, not excavate a past.  

So I quit.

She could never be my Fish with someone else’s hook still in her mouth.  Catch and release.

Bump it with:

Mirror Match (Part II): A Crack in the Mirror

Mirror Match Part I: You Handsome Devil

Her place is furnished in shades of gray: black and white shoji screen doors, battle-ship iron curtains and sheets, and hand towels and pillow cases cloned  from my linen closet.   Even her pile of clothes on the floor, the exact same tangle of muted earth-tones that adorn my body.  We are two souls cut from the same colour palette.  Where her world ends my world quickly begins.

We spend our nights drinking whiskey and wine, out and about so much so we start to know Uber drivers on a first-name basis.   We spend our mornings in her bed hiding from the sunlight, our bodies tangled and curled around each other.  As the sun creeps higher in the sky we’re propped up on pillows our fingers mashing our phones as we Clash our Clans side by side.  She paints my toenails bright ruby red while we’re sitting on her couch watching House of Cards, branding me as off limits to any other woman who might see me barefooted and toes-curling.  And I’m okay with it.  I’ve all but resigned myself to this lifestyle, and the slowly blurring lines between me and her.

Everything is going great.  Until that fateful night we hung out with her friends.  I’d heard stories about most of them, the flamboyant best friend, the supporting cast of kooky co-workers, and that one guy who likes her.

– – – –

Her friends were friendly and forthcoming, with quickly lubricated first impressions within a few rounds.  I start to imagine a future with these people: beach days and barbecues, surprise birthdays and that one big celebration where she wears the white dress and I dress up like a James Bond penguin… but I digress.  I am ready and willing to assimilate fully into her world.  We wandered, quick-comrades from one bar to the next, and that’s when I met–  him.

He was a cro-magnon of a man, someone who might’ve been able to brute force his way into girl’s panties in grade school, but now as adults, his kind were quickly going extinct; hunted to the ends of the earth and replaced by men of words and thought, ambitions and dreams beyond “gym and drugs” and “pose in selfies trying to look, thug”  and you could tell he liked her– a lot.


Somehow this Cro-magnon managed to pull her away from me.   The second they made eye contact she strolled right up to him and smacked him right across the face, then proceeded to argue like a pair of over-emoting Sims:

(come to think of it, this picture is pretty accurate)

I was left to make small talk with her clique of friends I just met less than a half-hour ago.  Granted, and I’m a moderately proficient conversationalist given the right dosage of alcohol and necessity, but it was unnerving to abandoned so quickly into the night.

She and Cro-magnon come back to the table after what seems an eternity of being left adrift.  I’m curious, who is this man that is able to draw so much of her scorn?  I get my answer right away.  He’s a one-upper and a boaster.  Any story told, somehow he’s got to tell a bigger one, in a way that makes him sound amazing, usually at the expense of someone else.  He also calls women, “feee-males”   as in “I was talking to this feee-male…” or “I was getting freeaky with this feee-male”  or “This feee-male was super into me…” (and yes unfortunately, those three stories happened, consecutively)

She smiles over at me and holds my hand, as if to say, ‘yeah I get it, this guy is scum but he’s my friend so we need to put up with him’.  We’re on the same page and our lines blur again.  It’s not just me seeing this.  But in a few minutes he has her pulled off to the side again, and they argue for another half an hour.  And I am left to fend for myself again.

This is weird.  Very weird,  fuckin’ weird.
(Aaand that’s my second Rent quote in the Mirror Match Saga)

Her best friend ends up apologizing to me.  Not ‘I’m sorry this doesn’t normally happen’, or ‘I’m sorry something big just came up which is why they are arguing’  it’s more like… ‘I’m sorry this is how our world is’

– – – –

The night is coming to a close, and I’ve been stuck amongst her friends for most of the evening.  She and Cro-magnon resurface again.  Good, we’re getting the hell out of here.   As we’re walking out of the bar through the parking structure, Cro-Magnon is telling her to punch him, which she does with great satisfaction.  Can I get in on that action?

She and I are ready to take our Uber home, when Cro-Magnon insists we all pile into his little Nissan.  Under the guise of a chivalrous gentleman, and he wants to give us a ride home.  I’m too tired to argue at this point.  We all pile in, she on my lap, and his punky friends.  And we get out at her place, and they all pile out.  I guess we’re all going in.

I get up to use her restroom, and I can hear his muffled voices:

“What a scrub.  You think I should give him cracks?”  I hear Cro-Magnon through the bathroom door.  “Just my left hand, 50% powah.”

“Stop…”  I hear her giggle.

“Wat?  I won’t hurt him… that much.”

You’re going to let him talk about me like that?  

I wash my hands and exit the bathroom.  He is still sprawled out across her couch, with her sitting about five feet away, cross legged in the middle of the floor.  I wrap my body around her and give her a solid kiss on the cheek before lowering myself to the ground with my head in her lap and the rest of me curled around her like a snake on the branch.

“How long have you guys been friends?”  I ask him, trying my best to sound innocuous and friendly.

“A couple years.” he mutters.

“That’s a long time.”  Do I like her?  Or do I want to beat  him?  I can’t tell the difference anymore.

“We just met, what… three weeks ago, babe?” I’ve never called her babe before.  “…and we just hit it off so well.” I give her bottom a playful slap.  I watch him shift uncomfortably.  Babe.  I used it with her for the first time as a weapon.  Something about this feels unhealthy. “We were just strangers, and now look at us.”  I give her a gentle kiss.

“It’s funny you guys never dated.”  I turn my head up to look at him.  I watch his face darken, his eyebrows furrowing downwards like two clenched monkey fists.   The implication of course, is she never wanted to date you.   She glares at me. It’s too late.  I’ve endured him too much.  All night of his sorry ass kidnapping my date, and story after self-aggrandizing story inflating his ego like a balloon, and I am ready to be the sharp prick.  My mouth is already on this unstoppable trajectory of attack.  “I suppose once a girl decides you’re just a friend there’s really no escaping that.”


“What do they call it babe?”  I poke her playfully.  She wants no part.  She ignores me and focuses on the soft glow of the television.  “Y’know where you’re in that zone of just being friends….”  I tap my chin in mock contemplation.

“Ah, friend zoned.”

He rises from his sitting position.  I think he might strike me, while I’m lying here sprawled in her lap.  If he hits me, he kills the snake and snaps the branch in one fell swoop.

“Goin’ out to smoke.”  He says.  And leaves.

“You shouldn’t antagonize him.”  she scolds me.

“You should stick up for me.”   This is our first fight.

She’s quiet.

Which means she won’t.

Mirror Match Part III: Broken Glass and Sturdy Roots

Bump it with:

Mirror Match (Part I): You Handsome Devil

I’ve often wondered what would ever happen if I encountered myself on the dating scene.  I mean not me exactly, but a female version of me, without the mustache, preferably.  Because I am a self-loathing narcissist, just as likely to curl my nose in contempt at the sight and sound of me, as pat myself on the back for being absolutely amazing’ in every possible way.

Mirror Match
Round one, Fight!

Our first date was not going well.  She had this lack-luster lackadaisical expression on her face as our conversation lulled and lagged un-customarily.  I found myself struggling for material as each avenue of exposition in my dating expedition was summarily cut short.  She was efficient, rounding her words into concise blocks rather than that sprawling-drawling mass of conversation I’d become so used to on first dates.  Most girls love talking about themselves–  she didn’t.   And all my best bouncing questions and spinning anecdotes fell skittering, scattering, clattering to the floor.   Like the prelude to a good boss fight with no save point in sight.

So I poured more shochu into her glass to cover the vast expanse of silence, and I began to think, maybe she thought trying to get her drunk (which I was), so I just kept pouring for myself.  And when I ran out of things to say I would drink, and then pour and pour again to negate the empty space between her ice cubes.  And soon I was unexpectedly and unequivocally– drunk on a first date.

There are two things I never talk about on a first date: Politics and the second amendment. Women go into a first date with a sense of fear and trepidation; meeting up with a stranger is everything Mom n’ Dad warned us not to do as kids.   Tell that same frightened girl who is forming her very first impressions of me, I own firearms and shoot as a hobby, and I  might as well tell her I have a pit in my basement where I keep my victims before skinning them and wearing their flesh.

It rubs the lotion
it rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again…

I avoid that conversation for as long as possible, so she has as much time to see how even-keeled and non-murdering I am.  Shooting guns is usually fun fourth or fifth date, just the right amount of excitement and “oh he’s teaching me new things”  I put my arms around her and fix her form, like we’re Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore, but instead of molding clay we’re slinging molten lead at three thousand feet per second.  It’s a rush.  And four dates gives me enough time to weed out the crazies so I know she’s not going to go all Eddie Ray Routh on me.  But I digress.

– – – –

So this date is sinking as I’m already clinging to the last big piece of door in the middle of the freezing Atlantic.  I know at any moment this chick’ is going to kick’ me off and find some reason to go home.  We’re talking about her hobbies and then it happens, almost as an afterthought squeezed between a bunch of gray-colored platitudes:

“I like hiking, and hanging out with friends, going to the shooting range every once in a while…”

My ears instantly perk up, like a dog hearing that magic four letter word: W-A-L-K.

“Wait, you shoot?”

“I shoot.”

(computer age, philosophy)

The best way I can describe this moment is this: Imagine it’s Halloween, and you decide to dress up as your favorite character. Now this is not some off-the-rack store bought piece of crap you can just go out and buy; no, this is something you actually put some time and effort into making.  Now imagine you’re out and about at whatever party or public gathering you decide to go to, and you see somebody dressed as one of the characters in that same obscure show.  Barnacle Boy meets his Mermaid Man, Jay finds his Silent Bob. You don’t know them; they don’t know you.  But in that moment you are kindred spirits joined across the vast sea of humanity in your mutual affinity and love for the canon of your show.  Entire squads of storm troopers are assembled at Comicon based on this phenomenon.

It’s being a minority in a sea of majorities and despite all odds encountering someone like yourself:
Black Hockey Player
“Is that my reflection… or is that really another black hockey player?”

Our date revitalizes with new energy and vigor.  Her voice raises and  her eyes sparkle as we talk:

“What do you shoot?”

“I’ve got an AR-22; I can get quarter sized groupings at 50 yards.”

“That’s awesome.  I’ve got a Ruger 10/22 with a couple BX 25 rounder mags.  Not quite zeroed in but I’m working on it”

As far as the world around us is concerned we could’ve been speaking Dothraki.  We’re in our own little bubble,with our own language.  The bar around us fades into nothingness.  This one common cord has lowered countless other walls, like all the fences in Jurassic Park suddenly lost power, allowing our primal emotions to spill out and devour Newman and that shitty lawyer guy.  Our conversation becomes unfettered and free, countless-confessions followed by her shrill and excited:

“Oh my God, me too!”

Or my equally excited, but slightly lower timbre’d:

“Oh damn, I totally do that too!”

The shochu disappears, no longer down awkwardly closed gullets, but because we’re talking so fast and laughing so hard and the moisture from our lips needs to be constantly replenished.  I have found my Fish, my complimentary piece.  At thirty, I have found my peace.

…or so I thought.
Mirror Match Part II: A Crack in the Mirror

Bump it with:


The Whiskey Runner


“Hey… *huff* how are *gasp*  you?”  I wheezed.

The beachfront passed us lazily on the left.  A motley mix of tourists and locals wrapping up their afternoon of leisure under the slowly setting sun.  Cyclists and other joggers shared the sidewalk, a tireless serpent of concrete that seemed to stretch for forever.

“I’m good” she breathed without missing a step, her perfect stride a constant rhythm of grace and poise.  Garbed in black spandex with her brunette ponytail swaying from shoulder to shoulder, I could set a metronome to her even steps; my heart tried but failed repeatedly, instead opting to pump blood to the rest of me to keep me alive.

“That’s *gasp…  good.” I managed after a few heavy footfalls and a weak smile.

She looked over at me, with a knowing smile on her lips.  I stood erect, puffing out my chest and attempting to keep the same vigor in my step to match hers.  But my legs were already on fire, my lungs imploding under the effort.  Talking, was a luxury my body simply couldn’t afford.

Her laughter was musical, and she did it with such ease.  I felt like a caveman being shown fire for the first time, struck by both intrigue and fear of this perfect human being able to do so much with the same oxygen and sidewalk we shared.   I watched as she began pulling away.   But in truth it was me, slowing, sputtering, stopping, until I was walking with the same unremarkable speed as the towel-toting beach goers who populated the sidewalk.  I watched her perfectly curved haunches, rounded hips and slender arms still methodically pumping as she grew smaller in the distance.

I had been weighed and measured, and in her arena I had been found so far wanting, I couldn’t keep up.  It was in essence the perfect rejection.  The one thing I knew about her, “She likes to run” was trumped by the one thing I had shown her, “I really suck at running”   There was no question as to the incongruence of our souls.

– – – –

So I ran and I ran, determined to mold my soul into something better than squishy playdough.  My ratty sneakers gave way to sporty running shoes.  I bought shorts that didn’t chafe my inner thighs after the first thirty feet.  And I got one of those little ipod bicep bands on the wings of Amazon.  I did my stretches on the benches in view of all the other runners, and in lieu of any running talent or physical ability… at least now I looked the part.

I caught up with her again in the weeks to follow.  Pink tracksuit, moving in a blur of energy and motion, her golden blond hair pulled into two pigtails, and flecks of gold reflecting off her freckled cheeks as the sun cast its final rays of the day.

“Run here often?” Bad pun, I know.

She cocked a curious eyebrow at me.

“Y’know this could be more fun if we play tag.  *huff* Y’know I’ll chase you and you chase me?”

She quickened her pace and then she was gone, a slender golden glimmering figure on the horizon.  Was that my cue to give pursuit?  Try as I may, I simply couldn’t keep up.  And I soon I was coughing and sputtering on the grass.

“Okay… I’ll chase you.”  I wheezed weakly, my hands finding my knees and my lungs seeking the ground as she grew smaller in the distance.

– – – –

My new shoes became old shoes, and the elastic on my ipod case began to lose’ it’s hold.  But still I ran.  It was months later when I saw her again.  Gray yoga pants and a fitted line green top, with her raven black hair pulled taught in a braid.

“Y’know all these people running in the other direction… they could be running from a fire and we would never know.”

“If there was a fire, they’d be running faster.  More screaming too.”

“Maybe they don’t want to cause a panic?”

“Jokes on them, I set my fire back there.”  She flicked her thumb playfully over her shoulder in one fluid motion”They’re running right to it.” she smiled, never breaking strike.

“I like you.  You’re funny.”  I blurted out.  Surprised I have enough oxygen and energy to carry on a conversation.

“You’re… interesting.”  Not quite the compliment I was looking for, but close enough.

“Do you want to get coffee?”  I ask her.

“I don’t drink coffee.”

“Me neither!”  I exclaim.  “But when I ask people if they want to get whiskey, they look at me funny.”

“I like whiskey.”

“Well then, do you want to get whiskey?”

“Well that depends.  What would you have done if I said yes to coffee?”

“Drink hot cocoa in a big boy cup and call it a double-frap-mariachi-blended-mocca-pikachu.”

She laughed, a rich and musical sound.

“Yes, to whiskey.”

And there was just enough oxygen left in me– to smile.

Bump it with:

Zipper Questions

I met her while walking around the busy tourist ladened sidewalks of Waikiki.  She, in a floppy over-sized sunhat and large Breakfast-At-Tiffany’s sunglasses that covered her eyes like some sort of rhinestone encrusted insect.  Strappy stiletto heels; pink and white sundress; shopping bags in one hand; gelato in the other.  Everything about her screamed Korean tourist, but when she opened her mouth, the most beautiful sound came out:

…Hot Damn!

No, she wasn’t singing, but she had the same voice of an angel. I learned over the course of the evening they’re called “Kowis”, (Korean + Kiwi = Kowi) ethnic Koreans raised in New Zealand and there is a sizable population of them– and they like coming to Hawaii.  She pulled down her glasses to give me a quick once-over with piercing brown eyes.

I know what I look like in my tattered boots, bluejeans, skulls, bracers, and V-neck in the 90* weather– I am clearly not a tourist.  We stood there, polar opposites from worlds away.  Like those American tourists who go to another country and all they eat is McDonalds, I was something familiar and digestible in a foreign place, but different enough to still be exotic.


I ask her some innocuous question.  She replies, and I realize I want to hear her voice as much as I can, for hours on end.  We’re standing there in the sun and the heat, talking about shopping and gelato and the beach and people are just walking past us, and it isn’t until her bags are at her feet and her gelato is all melted that I realize we’ve been one of those asshole couples that just stands in a major thoroughfare and holds a conversation oblivious to everyone around them.  She’s not making any excuses to walk away, no artificial deadline or destination.  No, she’s genuinely interested in the words coming out of my mouth for some reason.

“I want to eat that.”  I point to her empty gelato cup.  “Where did you get that?”

Her second scoop of gelato becomes walking around taking in the sights, becomes drinks, becomes dinner at the cusp of the beach with the sunset glowing over the sun-baked sand ocean lapping it’s gentle waves upon the shore.  She’s a lawyers, successful and ambitious, with a musical laugh and a wit as sharp as a tack, and I am all the more, enamored and enthralled.  We spend the evening celebrating and exploring our differences.

“Why do you call them capsicum?”  I  point to her salad garnished with onions and red peppers.  She ordered a salad because she’s watching her figure, but still manages to keep pace with me at three beers with dinner.  The perfect paradox.

“What do you call them here?”

Royale’ with cheese.”

“Wait, what?”

“Haha it’s a Pulp Fiction reference.   We call them peppers.”

“Peppers?” She tries it out, unfamiliar in her mouth.  “Then what do you call that?” She points to the black pepper shaker on the table.

“Also pepper.”

“Isn’t that confusing?”

“Not really.”

“Capsicum sounds better.” she concludes.

“Only when you say it.”

– – – –

We stumble into her hotel room, my hands caressing the supple curves of her body, hot steam radiating off our meshing flesh like… well like a radiator I suppose.  She peels my shirt off and flings it into a corner of the room.  We stumble out of shoes and heels, tripping over them our faces and hands unable to separate or even look down for the briefest of moments.  I fling her onto the bed.   She fumbles at the skull-and-crossbones of my belt buckle.

My thumb and forefinger find the zipper to the back of her pink and white sundress dress.  I give it a tug; The zipper sings as it rides down the small of her back, each unfettered tooth widening the maw of fabric, and bringing me one step closer to that beautiful moment where our genitals will high-five.   I run my fingernails playfully over her bare skin from her slender shoulders down to her well toned buttocks.


“Do you have a girlfriend?”  She asks me between hot mouthy kisses.

“Of course not.”  I reply, gasping for air.  My hands working their way up the sides of her ribs, opening up the back of her dress ready to pull it off, her soft flesh dancing under my fingertips.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

– – – –

Doctors call them “door knob questions“.  The patient goes in, has a routine checkup and says everything is fine.  The moment the doctor is about to leave the examining room, with his hand (or her hand I suppose, because women can be doctors too) on the door knob the patient spits it out– the real reason for their visit.

“I’ve got this growth on my testicle and I think it might be cancer… and I’ve been coughing up blood all morning…”
(I originally got the concept from an episode of [H]ouse.  But I tried googling “House door knob questions” and all I got are home remodeling videos. )

She had deftly avoided the question all evening, and now right when we were at the cusp of coitus, standing at the doorstep of my ding-dong’s-destiny, with her hands at my waist kissing me like she means it… There’s this awkward.  Halting.  Pause.

“…I have a boyfriend.”

I laugh, because I think she’s being cute.  It sounded so good coming out of her mouth, it took a second to register in my brain.

“Wait, say that again?”

“He’s back in New Zealand.  We’re on a break.”

“Does he know that?” She shrugs.  That’s a ‘No’.  

“I mean, I’m going to break up with him when I get home.”

The room gets very cold and quiet.  Something in the light changes: Her pink dress shifts, to salmon, and then the slightest hues of Orange begin to creep up through the fabric.  I pull my face away from hers, first by inches and then by miles.  Something in me shifts.  I no longer want to do this.  I stand up.

– – – –

I gather up my clothes.   They were flung so casually all over her hotel room in a passionate whirlwind… and now i’m participating in the world’s most depressing scavenger hunt, where the prize at the end for collecting it all is a night of self-loathing and solitary contemplation about my life’s choices.

Even once I Caught em’ All, my clothes instinctively fight me.  It’s like being a toddler again; all motor-skills flying out the window in my fevered panic to escape.  my head wants to go through the arm hole, both feet in one pant leg.  I don’t even bother to try tying my laces; I just tuck them into the sides of my shoes.  She’s just sitting there on her hotel room bed, her mouth slightly agape and her eyes narrowed into slits, just watching me stumble into my clothes.   The back zipper of her dress is still splayed wide open, the material folded over her shoulders as if she were some life-sized-zip-up-costume just waiting for someone with character to step into her skin.

“Thank you for a wonderful night” I say to her as I exit her hotel room.  I wish I had a hat.  Like a bowler, or a fedora, or even a cowboy hat because at that exact moment I would’ve raised it an inch over my head and tipped it to her.  I saunter off, my imaginary spurs jingling with each step.

Out in the long empty corridor, lined with perfectly cloned hotel doors end to end, I pause for a moment uncertain of what to do.  “I’m doing the right thing.”  I said it aloud to myself in the empty hallway.  And then again.  “I’m doing the right thing.  I’m doing the right thing.”  I repeat it over and over like a mantra  I am Bart Simpson begrudgingly writing sentences on that chalkboard at the start of every episode:


For some reason, I start running.  Running… from a mostly naked woman who wants me for purely superficial reasons, a goal I’ve spent most of my life running towards.   Hotel California begins playing in my head as I barrel my way down the empty hallway and through the fire exit and down the stairwell making a mad dash in concentric circles as I descend further and further away from her hotel room to the ground floor.  I imagine her giving one final piercing cackle before her hotel room bursts into unholy purple and green flames.  Because in Disney Movies, the bad guys always have purple and green flames.  I fling open the doors and spill out onto some discrete side exit flanked by concrete plant potters and shoulder high-hedges.  I hear the door lock behind me with a resounding *thud*.  It’s in that moment I allow myself to slow the perpetual motion of my fleeing body.  I turn around and try the handle.  Yep, no turning back now.  I tie my shoelaces and walk the rest of the way to my car.

I did the right thing.  God Damn.  I hate the right thing.  

Things that Keep me up at Night (besides Netflix)

What if… I never settle down because I am constantly in search of “the one”?  This mystical un-catchable unicorn of a woman that’s always just on the horizon?  And “The One” was actually that girl five girls ago, but I passed on her because I kept thinking “The One” is still just around the bend?

Unicorn babe
(I would… but she’d probably wanna do horn stuff.)

What if… I’ve been with too many girls with nice bodies, and dated too many girls with nice personalities, that I am forever searching for some impossible cross-pollinated hybrid of the two?  Like hotness is the Y axis and not being a crazy bitch is the X axis, and what if what I’m looking for is some impossible plot point where X and Y will never meet?

What if… I’ve already spent too much time at the buffet of dating, that I can never go back to just being with one woman again?  Like I was a one woman guy for nine years, but I just feel so flaky now that I’m”dating”.  Every relationship has an escape hatch and a fire axe built in, just in case the whole thing goes up in flames.

On my rare days off, I’ve already got plans and backup plans lined up.  Sometimes I’m even texting girls the exact same message because I know someone is going to disappear or bail, and heaven forbid I spend and evening to myself in quiet contemplation.  Because Voldemort had the right idea, to never invest too much of yourself in any one place.  Because nobody is ever vulnerable at my age.  We’re all bristles and scars, and every inch of intimacy is conditional and met with so many safeguards.  Because hearts don’t get stolen anymore… they get usurped through wars of attrition.

I’m actually an advocate of arranged marriages.  Because, dating is hard, and dating is stupid. Like the old adage, “there are plenty of fish in the sea”; it is absolutely true.  What they fail to mention, is the vast majority of those fish are inedible, poisonous, predators, have daddy issues, or they live in some deep dark pressurized water that only Ed Harris can reach while breathing pink juice (haha I hope someone catches this reference)   Most of the fish in the sea, are not the fish you want.

Date FIsh
“Why can’t you just love me baaack…?”

So maybe it would be cool if everyone started out with one good fish that their parents picked out specifically for them.  I trust my parents.  Every girl I ever brought home that they weren’t 100% on, turned out to be a special form of messed up eventually.  Which in turn, messed me up exponentially.  Because my parents could see beyond the low cut bodices and mini-skirts; they could see long term and down the line.  And if I just listened to them, I’d have been just fine.  Because my parents were the ones making me eat broccoli instead of skittles, making me go to college instead of trying to tour with my band in a van on an Island. Haha yeah an Island.  They always had the right idea.

Mitsuko Suicide Girl
“..but Mooom!  I love her because of reasons.”
(and yes that is a Suicide Girl logo in the corner)

Maybe it would be better if people married based on family approval and social-economic comparability, rather than trying to blindly rush into the ocean with a scoop net and genitals swollen full of hormones hoping to find “the one” by dangling their bits and flailing aimlessly in the water.   Because that’s what it feels like I’m doing sometimes.  And the sand and salt is starting to chafe in the most uncomfortable of places.

And maybe people wouldn’t be so quick to discard their partners, knowing they only get one.

Lockboxes and hand picked fish.  It’s five am.   Writing books is hard.  I’m going to sleep.

Bump it with:

A Lofty Sound

Another Flashback story.  This happened about six months ago:

I love where I live.  Everybody comes to Hawaii because it’s a dream vacation destination.  The landscape is pristine and picturesque.  People who live in Hawaii, come up to a particular scenic point to admire the view– this is where people in paradise, come to view paradise.  And my apartment is smack dab at the top of what could arguably be the best view of the island.  So the drive up to my place is its own natural aphrodisiac of sorts.

My apartment itself is not particularly big.  It’s a single bedroom studio with a full bathroom and kitchen, and a loft storage area that can be reached by a ladder.  My apartment is joined by one wall to a larger central house where my landlord and his family live; a father and two teenage sons.  In addition to being tied into the same electrical and water lines, my apartment shares central AC with the rest of the house.

Why am I telling you all of this?  Well any storyteller worth his salt knows it’s important to create a sense of place and setting before telling his story.  It’s rude to just dump an audience in the middle of things.  And a couple of these facts will come into play in just a minute or two depending on how fast you read.

So, anytime I bring a new friend to my apartment, the first thing she wants to do is climb the ladder and look around the loft.   Not sure what it is, but that space up there seems to convert everyone to a simpler time of playing pillow-fort as a kid.    When I first moved in I lugged my 30 gallon aquarium up there, along with most of my diving and shooting gear, so there is a lot of cool stuff to poke around at.  I also tossed a sleeping bag and an extra pillow up in my loft to add to the whole, secret-grown-up-fort element.


So I have a friend up in my loft, and she’s cooing at my fish, and looking out the skylight, and she sprawls across the sleeping bag and decides this would be a great place for an impromptu game of Backgammon.   Awesome.  That’s what the sleeping bag is there for, that’s the whole point of bringing a friend back to my place.  The problem is, I’ve never played backgammon against this particular opponent.

And.  She. Was.  Loud.

Every time I would advance my pieces she would grunt and moan.  When she made her moves, she was equally as audible. Now I like enthusiasm, and I like encouragement during a rousing game of backgammon, but this was something new entirely.  I had unlocked a wailing banshee who puts the pipes of Axel Rose to shame.  When the game reached its inevitable conclusion, her voice arose in a cacophony of screams and wails, so much so that I think even my fish were scared.   We finished,  laying there panting and laughing on my sleeping bag.

And that’s when I started to hear voices.   Clear as a bell:

“Did you hear that?”  

“Yeah I think they’re done.”

“She must’ve enjoyed it.”

I look above me, and less than a foot above our laying heads is the vent for the central air.  Normally these vents are well above any normal activity going on in a room, but with the height of my loft… it put us right at face level to the vents.  In fact at one point she was mashed up right against the vent, her fingers interlocking into the grate.   I can hear voices, their laughter clear as day, as if they were sitting right across from us.  Obviously if we could hear them… they could hear us.