At first I was scared I broke the universe. The world around me had suddenly and magically aligned where all of a sudden I was getting absolutely everything I wanted. I’d see a pretty girl in an aisle at a store and I’d chat her up, and five minutes later I’d have her phone number. I’d go out to a bar and trade 90’s Karaoke songs with the smokey eyed girl in the corner, and somehow end up leaving with her. That childhood friend I grew up racing matchbox cars up the church pews, somehow she wants to play a whole different kind of game.
Something about being so damaged had made me completely fearless. I had already seen the absolute worst a relationship could do to me, I was now impervious to the sting of rejection and completely fueled by the fear of being alone. In normal people it works the opposite, building upon a foundation of confidence begets more confidence. But for me it only manifested once I was at a critically low level of self-esteem. Like a mother lifting a two-ton truck off of her infant child, my brain and mouth had somehow surged with courage that my body or my heart did not have the capacity or the ability to wield during my taken life.
Most people wake up with a hangover and a severe sense of buyers remorse. I woke up high-fiving the drunken me from the night for whatever I said and did, marveling at how I was punching waaaay above my league, and somehow nobody else had taken notice but me.
And then I started to get scared that it wasn’t the universe that was broken but me. Maybe I died and this was my slow segue into heaven (or much more likely, hell). Maybe I’d somehow slipped into a coma and this was just my mind’s way of keeping itself busy while the rest of me rotted away. or maybe, just maybe I was developing mutant powers. I had always wished for mind control powers as a kid, (well initially I wanted claws like wolverine) but I always thought if I concentrated my brain enough (I did this to the point of giving myself earaches, because I think my idea of “concentration” was just flexing my inner ear muscle really hard) I could bend people to my will. Maybe this was my powers manifesting 20 years later in some weird sort of payoff for doing dumb brain-exercises as an eight year old. Because it wasn’t just bar floozies, it was girls I had dreamed of dating in high school, wanting to discuss art projects over hot water poured through ground beans, or crepes and running in the morning, and god I hate running but I’m going to do my best to keep up because your smile seems brighter than the sun.
And suddenly, so many doors had opened up I would have to start sprinting just to get through them all. So I was running all the time. And then girls saw me running and said, “hey this guy is going places” so they started keeping pace too. And I started talking about what I was doing, and where I wanted to go– and people followed. And suddenly, I wasn’t alone.
And so, I think I broke the Universe.
Because I’m actually.
Kind of happy.
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